pregnancy · thoughts

why i chose to have a baby before getting married


The question everyone has been pondering since finding out the news that we’re (note, I didn’t say I) expecting a tiny bundle of joy this September: when are you getting married!?

Well, let me tell you how I feel about that… and I’m probably speaking for most women who’ve gotten pregnant pre-nuptials.

1 — It’s truly none of your business, but…

My life is just that — MY life. It’s not yours. Therefore, it is not your business. If you can’t find it in you to be happy for me and my exciting news, I feel sorry for you. I’m sorry that you let things bother you that shouldn’t, that happy news can indeed evoke negative  feelings for you, and that your control issues seep far outside of your reach.

2 — I make my own decisions.

Newsflash: I’m an adult. In fact, I’m a grown-ass woman. College is WAY behind me, I’m successful in my career, and I’m in a loving, committed relationship with my baby daddy. Not that I feel the need to elaborate to anyone questioning the decision to bring a new life into this world, but my baby was planned. My baby was conceived out of love and the desire to become a mommy and a daddy. WE decided to forgo the “rules,” not because we’re rebels or irresponsible, but quite the opposite. WE decided that timing seemed right for us to get pregnant and we wanted our money to be spent on a house and a baby than an elaborate, unnecessary wedding. It’s about to get crazy… are you sitting down? We talked about marriage! We plan to get married! We made the decision to wait. Isn’t it so weird that we would make our own decisions and do what we want to do?

3 — There’s no right and wrong.

Back to the “rules” we decided to break. It’s 2017 and in case you didn’t know, the rules are there aren’t no rules. By the way, isn’t STAYING married the rule? Isn’t that what you vowed to do? For better, for worse? For richer, for poorer? In sickness and in health? ‘Til death do you part? But, things happen. And I am understanding of that! You do you and I’ll do me. What’s right for you might not be right for me, and what’s right for me doesn’t have to be right for you. That’s the beauty of life.

I didn’t publish this when I first wrote it a few months ago. I didn’t know if I was ever going to. I just wanted to get my feelings out and used this platform as a way to vent. Now, I decided to publish it and here’s why….

There is one more feeling I want to share with you on why we decided to get pregnant before we got married — and it’s one of the main reasons for doing so — and now I’m SO GLAD WE DID.

My grandfather had a stroke 8 months ago. My heart shattered that day. He is by far one of the greatest men I’ve ever met and will ever meet. This year my grandmother turned 70 and my other grandfather turned 80.

I was blessed to grow up with all of my grandparents, my great-grandparents and even had my great-great-grandfather around until was 13. I always knew how special and rare that was. Some of my friends don’t even remember their grandparents. I’m lucky. I know that.

I always wanted my children to not only remember their grandparents, but have a strong bond with them. I wanted to give my children the opportunity to meet their great-grandparents.

I knew I had waited long enough. My mom and grandma both had children when they were very young. If I followed suit I could have a 10-year-old now. Time was running short for my child to grow up and build memories with his grandparents and great-grandparents. My boyfriend and I sat and talked about it and he understood my desires, wishes, and family values. In fact, I’m lucky that he shares each of them. While marriage is very important to both of us, we know that will come. WE decided right now we wanted to focus on a baby so we could give him the experiences that we had.

It’s been a little over 4 months since we found out we were pregnant. With 4 months until our due date, we lost my grandfather. My heart shattered again. He was a big reason we made the decision to have a baby. Although my child won’t get to meet him, I have pictures of my grandfather reacting to finding out we were pregnant and snapshots of his hand on my belly. I am so thankful for the time my grandfather got to spend with my bump — knowing I was bringing a baby into the world and sharing that excitement with him for even the few short months we were able to.

Moral of my story — make the best decisions for you for there are no rights and wrongs in this crazy world. Your life is a book that you get to author. Embrace that. xo



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